The Solution to Our Nation's Debt; a Viable Suggestion for Obama

I have pretty much just solved every budget crisis ever, which I’m pretty sure is a great thing seeing as our economy is dry, right? I’ve heard that the money we throw away on tickets given to us by Police and their backwoods cousins, Highway Patrol, sometimes goes back to the city or state they’re given in. Sometimes. I mean, I understand that some of that money goes to paying for the cop’s salary and equipment and what not, and some of it is laundered or whatever, but at least a tiny portion of it goes back to the state, I think.

The one and only ticket I’ve ever received was for wearing my seatbelt “incorrectly”. This ticket was BULLSHIT, and the cop who gave it to me knew it. I’m short and have a very ample bosom with a tiny little neck. When I wear seatbelts, no matter what I do, they ride up and over my breast and hack away at my miniscule neck. I got tired of almost being decapitated every time I drove to the grocery store, so I started wearing the seatbelt under my arm. This is not the time or a place for any one of you out there in the internets to begin telling me that this is not the correct way to wear a seatbelt, because, obviously, I got that lecture… along with a 99 dollar ticket, thanks.

Anyway, so, I started thinking. If cops really wanted to make the state some money with this whole “ticket” thing, they should start giving tickets for things that EVERYONE does all of the time and that really put our lives in danger. In California we’ve already begun giving tickets to people who talk or text and drive, stating that talking and texting while driving directly correlates to accidents, and though science continues to prove this idea wrong, people still get tickets for this every day.

I suggest that cops start ticketing people who pick their noses while driving. People who do this are way more of a threat than people who talk on their phones. Think about it. You know you’ve done it. You know how in to digging you can get; searching for that piece of gold way up in the back there, almost against the wall of your brain. You go cross eyed looking at your finger which is navigating the passages of your nostrils to scratch out that dried up bit if mucous.

Once you finally get that much sought after treasure, you spend a few minutes examining it. What color is it? What shape is it? Is it the type of booger that’s sticky, or can you roll it in a ball? If it’s sticky you’re going to spend another few minutes panicking, trying to get it off your finger. You’ll try to roll it into a ball and flick it, but it will only get stuck on another finger. Next you’ll have to search for a napkin to wipe it on, but of course, you don’t have one and you can’t put it on those papers you have to turn in to your teacher/boss/probation officer/wife, so you’ll have to find the least conspicuous place in your car to stash it. If it’s the flickable type you’re going to roll it into the perfect ball, then roll down your window and flick it out, right?

So, now you’re probably thinking, she spends way too much time either playing with her own boogers, or watching me play with mine (creepy note, I CAN see you and your boogers). If so, you’re not taking this seriously. THINK ABOUT IT. All the while you are focused on your BOOGERS and not the road. You’re probably swerving in and out of lanes while you hysterically search for a napkin to rid yourself of that overly adhesive nugget. You’ve not doubt tuned out to everyone around you, which is why you didn’t notice me in the next car giving you a very grossed out look while I took mental notes on your process to later describe in detail in my blog. This lack of attention also means you’ve probably failed to notice that grandmother/box of puppies/blind person you mowed down while you were checking out what your nose looks like sans boogers in your review mirror.

It doesn’t stop there though. Just as you’ve probably been one of those reckless nose picking drivers, you’ve also been one people who’ve looked over to the car in the next lane and caught someone in the act. You know when you see someone picking their boogers, you have to stare. You watch them, knowing they are totally unaware of you so you don’t have to look away. You begin to laugh hysterically as you see them waving their hands about helplessly as their sticky booger jumps from one finger to the next. You may even begin to point while you snicker, and now other drivers who’ve looked over at you follow your finger to see what’s so hilarious.

Now the booger picker has started a chain reaction. They are not watching the road because they are cleaning their nose. The person next to them is watching the booger miner and laughing so hard they can’t stay in their lane. The person next to that person has to crane their neck to see where the action is coming from and what it is and therefore begins to drift into an oncoming semi truck. Oh, and the person next to them of course, must do the exact same thing because as Elvis says, “that’s called rubber neckin, baby”!

Now, think about how often you pick your nose while driving, and how often you see someone else picking their nose while driving and tell me that if the dangerous activity, which I just proved IS very dangerous, was one that could be ticketed, we would no longer be in debt. We’d be totally out of debt and maybe even have a surplus of money.

I just hope that because I came up with the golden scheme to save our country that I am exempt from these types of tickets. That just wouldn’t be fair, and I’d be totally broke.