Park it in my Poopway

I attract weirdos.

I know I've said this before, but I think it may be more than just attracting weirdos. I almost wonder if they were all completely normal human beings who some how, one day, received my subliminal "come creep me out" signal and a switch flipped in their brains and without reason they find themselves marching in my general direction only to do horribly creepy things. Maybe I not only attract the already weird, but turn the not so weird into creepers.

Last night I was pulling into my driveway, and had just gotten my front tires onto the sidewalk in front of the driveway when I noticed a man squatting on the side of my driveway, very far into it... like, across from my kitchen window (which is towards the back of the house so pretty deep in there). This man did not look homeless. He had on nice jeans, a clean t-shirt and a dark blue baseball cap. In other words, there were NO visible reasons for him to be squatting in my driveway. I, of course, freaked out. I threw my car into reverse and hit the gas... or at least I thought I did. What I actually did was put my car in neutral and revved my engine.

As I did this, the man stood up, and pulled up his PANTS. At this point I start screaming "AHH AHHA AHHHH. THERE'S A MAN TAKING A SHIT IN MY DRIVEWAY!!!" I'm horribly scared because he's staring straight at me, and my car won't back the hell up. I look down, and finally get my car into reverse and speed away.

I called my guy friends who were already on the way to my house "AHHH!!!! AHHH!!!! HELP ME! THERE'S A MAN POOPING IN MY DRIVEWAY (sob sob sob) AHHH!!!"

By now my friends are all used to my encounters with the strange and the boys calmly responded. "Ok, We'll be right over to check it out, just go park somewhere for a minute. And stop crying." and hung up on me. HUNG UP ON ME! Jerks!

As I'm sitting in front of my favorite sushi place in the world, wishing with all of my heart that it was open so I could go inside and drink some green tea and maybe eat a tuna roll to take my mind off of more disgusting matters, the boys went to my house and searched the area around it and the driveway for my mystery man and his feces.

They saw no sign of the man, nor his bowel movements and gave me the OK to come back only to tell me, that since they saw no poop, he was probably just jacking off. I'm not sure which is worse. Since there was no more question of dangers, we went inside and tried to have a good night.

This morning, I wake to my roommate screaming "AHH AHHH I FOUND IT!" She had been washing dishes when she looked up and out of the window and straight at a large pile of black, clumpy diarrhea. Seriously, this mound of shit was as big a round as a dinner plate. HOW did my boys miss this last night, I wonder?

I mean, I have an idea how a couple of boys can miss a big pile of poop, but I'll save that for another post.


Creeps: Five Bazillion and One
Marion: Zero.