Sassy Grinch

Call me a grinch, but I seriously can not wait for the Holidays to be over. There is nothing fun about Christmas to a 22 year old single only female child who is semi estranged from her parents. Nothing, I tell you, nothing.

Though, I suppose I can't completely blame my lack of Christmas spirit on my age. I've never really liked Christmas. I mean, sure as I was growing up the gifts were amazing. As an only child, I always made out like a bandit. I didn't even know certain toys exsisted, but there they were under the tree wrapped in shiny paper waiting for me. I always got the most presents and spent days afterwards finding out what the hell each one of them actually did and where I was going to put it.

As I got older though, the gifts got less interesting- more socks less my little ponies. As I became less excited about the gifts I got, I started to notice the unfair and unequal distribution of the gifts. My mother, who worked harder than anyone else I had ever known, and was sadder than anyone I had ever met, always finished opening her gifts first, because of course I was too young to buy many gifts, and my father was too unoriginal to think of wonderful things to buy her. As I grew up I made it my mission for my mother to have as many, if not more, gifts than my father and I had to open on Christmas morning.

This task proves to be an overly stressful one every year as I have to grappel with what to buy my mother, who spends her time working, watching Judge Judy and playing Bejewled. You can only buy the woman so many off brands of Bejewled before she has every non-interesting computer game in the world. She doesn't like to pamper herself, so delicious smelling soaps and lotions are out of the question. She won't paint her nails so nailpolish sits and hardens. She doesn't go anywhere, or do anything accept for the afformentioned Judge Judy marathons and Bejewled tournies (do they have those? God I hope not...). Then, to top it all off, I grow increasingly more broke as the years fly by.

Alright, so, aside from the gift giving head aches, there are the TACKY decorations. Christmas is the season when the whole world begins to look like a grandmother from Jersey wearing her favorite golden fanny pack and a light up turtleneck sweater. People drown their homes in automated reindeer and snowmen, bright mismatched string lights, people sized unedible candy canes, and in special neighborhoods giant cardboard cut outs of 70's cartoons like The Flinstones and The Jetsons in Santa Hats. If I had my way, people who left their decorations up after Dec 27th would be thrown in jail for a lifetime without parole. There's just no reason to leave the decorations up for longer than that. I don't care if your roof is covered in snow, or its raining cats and dogs outside. You got them up there, find a way to get that shit down, ASAP.

I just can't wait until people pack those monstrocities away, and the gifts are all unwrapped and the food, which I don't even really like to eat has been put away in tupperware and I can go home, to my undecorated house and forget about it all until next year.

Dec 27th, please come as soon as possible.