My apologies, but if you'd like to, you can think of the creepiest thing that you'd like to happen to me and just imagine that that's what happened. I won't even ask you what you thought about. This is your only chance freaks, so make it good. After you have your mischievous dream bubble of creepiness sequence, please, continue on to your regularly scheduled Sass Attack.
People always ask me why I don't like hugs. There has to be something fundamentally wrong with a person who hates hugs, right? I'm sure they all think I'm incredibly weird and a bit rude for cringing and dodging every time someone, even loved ones (perhaps especially loved ones), spread out their arms and wait for an embrace.
I've decided its not just because I'm strange and rude, its also because I loathe disingenuous displays of affection.
I hate when someone gets their arms around you and you can barley feel them pulling you in. Or when they tap the top of your back but keep a bit of air and space between your bodies. Or when the hug is so quick and they let go that its almost like your skin burned them. Oooh! Or when someone wraps one arm around your shoulder and pulls you into their nasty arm pit and doesn't look at you while they "hug" you.
Its not like most people sit around thinking, "Lets give Mars a really shitty hug and make her feel uncomfortable," yet they do it anyway. Even if you think your hugs couldn't possibly suck, I can almost guarantee you that they do. I don't even want you to try on the off chance that you're a shitty hugger because after you hug me I'll be forced to pretend that you're not while I'm secretly plotting in my head how to avoid ever having to do that again.
Seriously, bad hugs are just not worth it. I'd rather jump into a lagoon filled with Barracudas than have to hug someone.
Don't feel too badly though, because its not like I'm an expert hugger. I'm the kind of hugger that barley lays her arms on you and pats your back twice and pulls away two seconds later. I'm a two-second-hugger. I don't know how many times I've let go and been pulled back by another (equally bad) hugger. Then I feel even worse, because now not only did someone give me a weird unsentimental hug but I gave them my own variety of non-committal personal contact and I have to wonder if I made them feel bad by pulling away too quickly, which I know they noticed because they PULLED ME BACK.
Now, this person that I've hugged and I both want to go home and cry and wonder why the other person who we obviously care about enough to let into our personal space and touch hates us, because a hug that bad can mean nothing else. Do we smell? Are we sticky? Do they even love us at all? This just leads to abandonment fears, and attachment issues and suicidal tendencies. All because of a fucking hug.
Have I convinced you yet? Its really for the best that we don't hug. Good thing this is an Internet blog, because otherwise this could be really awkward. The whole... not hugging thing.
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