Its not me, its my planner.

Every day, I come home from work, which is horrible, or school which is ridiculous, completely drained, and I look at my planner. Something always looks off, and I begin to doubt my competence in correctly copying down due dates into the correct little boxes in my schedule. So I squint at my planner, and scratch my head and squint some more, and then finally, this tiny little 60 watt light bulb flicks on and I realize that what I need to do is get a second opinion, because surely nothing I see before me is real. So I take out all of the syllabi I have for this semester and I meticulously check each date on a green sheet against the date I've marked off on my calendar.

Every day I do this, I always expect to find that I've messed something up, and those two papers, three exams, five chapters, and four article researches aren't all due on the same damn day. I always expect to be instantly relieved of any and all tension and responsibility to get all seventeen billion tasks that say they're due tomorrow done in the three hours I have before my brain shuts off and readies itself for sleep.

I have visions of looking up from the sea of syllabi vindicated, "Aha! I was right. I messed everything up, but now, I am completely free to spend the rest of my night fucking around on facebook! I'm a genius!"

Everyday I am hopeful that that day will be the day I really did royally screw up the writing of my life.

Every day I am super disappointed as the stupid little green sheets always tell me, in a very mocking and unnecessary way, that I haven't messed anything up except for my time management.

But, really, isn't that my planner's fault? Its useless. It doesn't tell me anything except for when things are due. I feel, like the reason for its whole creation was to keep me on track of my life. Its supposed to decrease my procrastination. What good is it if it ONLY says "Marion, something that's going to take five hours to do, is due tomorrow, and so are five hundred equally time consuming things. Rest when you're dead."

THAT is not helpful. I think the people who created this whole planner thing are not as smart as they think they are. I wonder how they ever get anything done if they rely on their ill conceived and poorly functioning creation.

Note to self:

Marion,

Drinking two humongous cups of instant coffee in order to keep yourself up during your weekly hotline shift is no good. In fact, it may be on the top ten list of most horrible ideas you've ever had in 2010.

In case you forget, let me remind you that having those two horribly over sized cups of instant coffee made you: jittery, nauseous, tired, gassy, and bloated. None of those are fun things to be at 1:41 am, 20 minutes before you are off work and finally allowed to sleep. Horrible, horrible, bad idea. You are a real dumb ass.

Sincerely,

The currently over-caffeinated version of yourself

Readers, please let my life be an example so that you don't have to suffer the same fate. Do not drink that much instant coffee it will only lead to several hours of trying not to puke up your life, I promise.

Eff 2009!

Good-friggin-bye, 2009. Just four more hours and then I'm rid of you. I can't wait to watch you go and for 2010 to march in. I have big hopes for 2010, at least, I'm hoping it isn't as dumb and smelly as you were.

Things I'm looking forward to (forget the "Best of 2009"):

1. Chelsea Handler's third book will be released in March of '10.

This bitch is funny, need I say more? Go read her books My Horizontal Life, and Hello Vodka, Are You There? Its Me, Chelsea before March 9th so that you can be up to speed for her next master piece.

2. I may finally get to graduate from college (maybe).

Hopefully I will have my diploma rolled up tightly in my fist by next December so that I can move on to graduate school. If I do that, I will be one step closer diagnosing your psychoses.

3. Possible move to the East Coast.

This is all contingent on getting that illusive diploma. Once I do so, I can attend grad school in Rhode Island or Maine or New York or something. Somewhere waaay on the other side of the country from where ever the hell I am now.

4. Another of the Twilight movies will be released.

Upon release we will be one step closer to ending the pandemonium that is tweenaged girl's, and Team Jacob shirts because, it will become painfully clear that JACOB NEVER HAD A CHANCE. Though, those Jacobers could save themselves the inevitable disappointment and embarrassment and just read the friggin' books...

5. No longer having to refer to the year as "Ohsomedumbnumber"

Gayest way to state the year, ever.

New Decade's Resolution (because lets face it, I can't accomplish anything in a year, its too much pressure):

1. Write in this blog more.

I know that you all wish I would, because you have nothing better to do with your lives, and mine is oh so much more amazing and entertaining than yours. I will try hard, just for you.

2. Listen to more Country Music.

Get your jaws off of the ground. I feel like country music will be great inspiration for resolution number 1. Maybe I can start describing my life to you in Reba's lyrics. It will, if nothing else, give me more to mock for your pleasure.

3. Pay off my credit card bill.

I may have to resort to prostitution or working a fourth job at McDonald's, prostitution before Micky D's, but, whatever I have to do, I will do. I want to end this abusive relationship with the creditors of First Financial.

4. Raise a plant.

Every plant I've ever had died. Even flowers, though they're meant to die, die faster at my hands. I'm not sure what it is, maybe I don't talk to them enough, maybe its that lack of water... whatever it is, I am determined to keep a leafy green thing alive.

5. Become Chelsea Handler's Protoge.

Chelsea Handler is my number one role model, and if, after finally graduating college I can spend some time under her wing, my life would be complete. I'm also sure this would benefit you, via this blog, so pull all your strings, interweb.

Ok, this is the last time you will hear from me for the REST of the year. Be sad. Miss me, but go bring in the New Year right.